This pandemic hasn’t created new problems for me, personally, however, it has magnified the cracks and insecurities in my life that were much easier to ignore before I was socially locked down with no distractions from all of the wreckage that has been my journey for the last 7 years.
Talk about a hard pill to swallow.
That mess that I was effectively sweeping under the rug in every possible way, became too much anymore when I was home alone with my thoughts and my feelings and anxieties and with nowhere to run and zero distractions from what was staring me in the face.
So you know what?
I faced it head-on.
I stopped looking the other way and took a long hard look at ME and my choices. Who do I want to be in charge of the REST of my story?
I didn’t want to forfeit my ideas and thoughts and experiences to another human being no matter how much I love them anymore.
I don’t want to be a watered down version of my true self.
I want to love the things and people I love and not feel ashamed of the human being that I am. I want to honor my heart and my beliefs and I want to take my power back. I want to truly live my story out loud, with the volume way up and all the glitter I want.
So here goes.
I’m grateful that I got here but I’m sorry it took a plague to make me see where I was wrong.
I’m a naturally scattered human by nature. As I’m learning and growing and embracing all that is me, I’m trying to be more mindful of my processes and quirks and flaws.
That said, as I’m reflecting on wrapping up 2019 with a big and pretty bow, I’ve really been ALL OVER THE PLACE this year and I want (and need) to tidy things up.
I’m forever amazed that I still don’t know what I want to “be” when I grow up. When am I gonna figure this life-stuff out? I feel like 42 years and 5 months of age should be sufficient in helping me determine a direction and a path but, here we are.
I feel stuck and uninspired and I just want to spread peace, love, joy and glitter.
(Can I get a real job hugging all the broken people and telling them everything will be ok?)
These next few weeks, I’m hoping to pare down and de-clutter and be more mindful and meaningful about what’s important to ME in this world that I share with the people I love. I feel like 2020 needs to bring about a more focused and intentional ME.
Wish me luck!
All the love. Always.
If ever you need some perspective on what really matters in this world, I highly recommend spending some time with people who are dying and/or their families who are grieving.
The human heart and it’s capacity to love beyond all measure never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been blessed to have had the opportunity to share some of my most treasured conversations with so many folks over these last few months as I joined a local Hospice team. I’ve shared tears, laughter, sweet tea and strawberry milkshakes along with so many meaningful hours with folks who are struggling in some of their journey’s most difficult times.
I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. I have a much greater appreciation for the smaller things that we often take for granted while we keep things moving at an all too often hectic pace.
Our lives are entirely made up of billions of the tiniest moments and in the end, those moments all add up to make us the people that we are and give us the opportunity to shape and share our world with SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE with so many beautiful stories to share.
I am so grateful for this life and the people I share mine with.
I came to this grand conclusion this week.
I’m aware that I’m loud, awkward and extra.
That’s probably a hard reality for my kids who are currently teenagers.
But they’ve never known me any other way.
For all of my flaws, they know without a shadow of a doubt that they get all of me — always.
I probably over share. I’m probably too vocal about so many things. But they will never have to question where they stand or wonder what I’m thinking. They know that I will always keep it real. Authenticity is my thing and I don’t hide my mistakes from them. They know that I’m learning as I go. And my hope is that that will give them permission to be flawed and fabulous and beautiful souls walking this earth, too.
I don’t want them to ever have the thought “oh, shit. What’s Mom gonna do?”. I don’t want them to fear being real and sometimes broken or overwhelmed or stressed because my goal is to always be their soft place to land. That’s not to say that I don’t correct them and lose my patience with them when they do things that are not so great; I will always be their Momma and my job is also to guide them and let them know when they’ve gone astray and help them back in the right direction.
But my love never waivers. Not for a single minute. Not ever even for a moment.
They get the best of me and I’m so proud of the young human beings that they are growing into.