In no particular order:
– Waiting for an apology that is never gonna come is exhausting. You may as well let that that shit go and keep it moving.
– Silence is an answer. Accept it as such.
– You are the only person that you will spend the rest of your life with 24/7 so you had better make sure that you love you. I’m so serious.
– Don’t be too big/proud/too much of an asshole to admit your own faults. Be humble. Have grace. Apologize when you should.
– You don’t have to be the kind of person that hurt you. You’re better than that.
– If it seems too good to be true, it is. On some very basic level, you already know this but for some reason we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
– No matter who gives up on you, don’t give up on yourself.
– Remember who you were before the world tried to break you. Get back up and try again. Maybe take a nap first.
– Keep going. Keep trying. Keep smiling. Keep shining.
I hope you have some.
I can literally name 3 true hearts and humans that I still have in my life and world and I’m grateful for them.
I used to believe that I had more.
But when the shit goes down in the big and ugliest of ways, you find out fast and in a hurry who will be left in the end, and for me, I have 3.
One of the hard lessons was realizing that those people who I believed were my “ride or die” tribe members were more than ready to bail and exit stage left when things became unpredictable and less than socially acceptable.
I quickly learned new ways the heart can break.
But more importantly, I’ve learned and grown and changed in so many ways and become a better support for myself and my own heart.
I’ve learned to love me. Flaws and all.
I don’t struggle to be “seen” or approved of.
I just am.
I’m comfortable in my own skin and don’t feel like I have anything to prove to anyone other than the person who I’m living the rest of my life with — the person I see in the mirror for my forever. She is me.
I’ve have also found that there can be pockets of normal even in the middle of awful. Pockets of amazing in between the chaos. Pockets of hope in between the loneliness.
And, to my 3 true ride or die humans: you know who you are and I love you.
And that’s enough.
If ever you need some perspective on what really matters in this world, I highly recommend spending some time with people who are dying and/or their families who are grieving.
The human heart and it’s capacity to love beyond all measure never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been blessed to have had the opportunity to share some of my most treasured conversations with so many folks over these last few months as I joined a local Hospice team. I’ve shared tears, laughter, sweet tea and strawberry milkshakes along with so many meaningful hours with folks who are struggling in some of their journey’s most difficult times.
I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. I have a much greater appreciation for the smaller things that we often take for granted while we keep things moving at an all too often hectic pace.
Our lives are entirely made up of billions of the tiniest moments and in the end, those moments all add up to make us the people that we are and give us the opportunity to shape and share our world with SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE with so many beautiful stories to share.
I am so grateful for this life and the people I share mine with.
I believe this down to my bones, y’all.
The harder your journey, the more strength you gain — and with that strength, hopefully, we also find some grace; and the ability and desire to give back.
The only way forward is through. And, sometimes that journey is hard and heavy and the last thing anyone needs is to feel isolated and alone.
So when you’re out of your own personal storm, I hope you find the hope at the end of whatever rainbow life gives you. I hope you take some time to be a light in someone else’s journey.
This world needs you to shine.
Much love and happy weekend. ❤️
Things went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye.
Not many people know my entire story and I share it sparingly because I’ve been judged harshly. Not many people supported the choices I made. I’ve lost friends and loved ones along the way and I’ve made choices that I’ve been utterly ashamed of.
But ultimately, my truth today, in this moment, is that I’m proud of who I am.
The road I walked to get to where I am between July 1, 2018 to July 1, 2019 has been anything but pretty. I wouldn’t wish the things I’ve seen and lived through on anyone.
But guess what?
I’m. Still. Standing.
I’m still standing, y’all.
I’m smiling again.
I have a peace deep down that I’ve never known before.
I miss the people I’ve lost.
Every day I want to pick up the phone but I know that there’s nothing good to come of that. I’m simply not who I was then and I don’t want to be that person ever again.
I don’t want to WANT and crave approval and acceptance because I’ve learned the hard lessons of what unconditional love actually is.
I’m grateful for those who helped me get through my journey to the place I am now and I’m sorry that some of those people aren’t with me as I continue on my path forward.
The reasons, I know, are many and scattered and there are a multitude of why and what if’s.
So be it.
I can only pray for their peace, too.
I wish them well.
I hope that one day I will have the courage to share my WHOLE story. Unashamed and raw.
Maybe that will be my goal for July 1, 2020.
Until then, friends, keep shining.
Keep moving forward.
Don’t look back.
All the love.
All the days.
I learned this yesterday.
While grief and pain and worry are heavy burdens to carry, especially on you’re own, so too is joy and excitement and good news.
Everyone knows and expects that the negative emotions are gonna make you feel low and weighed down. That’s why we lean on our systems of support. To lesson our load and share the weight so that our pieces of pain may feel a little less heavy to carry – even for a few moments.
That’s not to say it still doesn’t suck.
But sharing your grief, your shame, your sadness and your worry helps. Somehow, giving oxygen to what worries our hearts and minds and sharing it with another soul is soothing.
But what I didn’t realize, until yesterday, is that joy and happiness and excitement and really good news can also feel heavy and make us weighed down.
We’re meant to give oxygen to our happiness and share it as well.
The best parts of our lives are meant to be appreciated and honored with those who we love and who also love us back. Not having a system of support to help us carry the weight of really happy and good news can feel almost burdensome, too.
And that surprised me.
I’ve been grateful for the people who have been in my corner while I have weathered some horrible storms. But just as important as those who helped to carry me through the tough stuff are those who stand with me and smile and are excited for me and my happiness and my life “wins”.
I hope you have people to celebrate with.
When there’s no one to call when you’re bursting at the seams with joy, that joy can quickly feel muted or less than.
And it absolutely shouldn’t.
So find your cheerleading section, y’all. We need those people who clap for us and smile with us just as much as we need those folks who help us when we’re down.