self-compassion

This was My Day

I preach the self-care and self-compassion deal regularly. Today, I took my own advice and made the time to relax, recharge and hit my personal reset button.

I spent 2 hours on a float, in the lake, with a book and complete silence — except for the sounds of nature in the glorious sunshine.

And. I. Feel. Fabulous.

Those few hours, that I made just for me, have done wonders for my soul.

I soaked up some sunshine. I gained some perspective and I feel like I found me again. I feel grounded and centered and ready to tackle life again.

I hope you make some time for you, too. Even if it’s just 30-minutes of peace and quiet in the fresh air. You owe it to yourself and the world at large to be the best possible version of yourself and that just can’t happen when you neglect your heart and don’t take the time to be gentle with YOU.

Honor your heart and make some peace in your mind.

Be still.

Breathe.

Take a break from the news and social media and heaviness that you carry about your day. Lay it all down and give yourself the compassion and kindness that you so freely give others.

You, my dear friend, are ever so very worth it.

Much love,

Always.

xoxo

self-compassion

Keeping Score

It’s funny how there are times in life where you absolutely need to take a step back and re-evaluate your life. Most recently, that is happening for me as I’m about to celebrate my 42nd birthday in a few days.

I’ve had a number of starts, stops and resets in my personal journey and just as I think I’ve finally started to figure (some) things out, the universe seems to shake things up again. I begin (again) to rethink all of my decisions that have brought me to where I am at the present moment and I take time to really look at my world and my life and my choices and ask myself the hard questions.

I wonder does anyone else find themselves second guessing things over and over again? I’m envious of the people in the world who just seem to have gotten things right and appear for all intents and purposes to be coasting through their lives. (If that’s you reading this, you need to call me or write a how-to book because I feel like my time is ticking away and my life is overwrought with mistakes on top of more mistakes.)

I really do want to get things right. Just once.

Overall, I just want peace and quiet deep down and all the way into my soul because I’m tired, y’all. At the same time, in my current role as a Bereavement Coordinator for a local Hospice, I have the honor of spending time with people in their final days and sometimes hours while supporting their families and significant others as they learn their way forward in their grief. I’ve found that I’m so envious of those people who have their forever person to hold their hand through their life’s journey. Recently I’ve supported people who have had “their person” for 50+ years. It seems a rare thing in this day and age and it’s bittersweet to have a small window in to a love like that.

And then I think to myself, maybe I’m my own person. Maybe there’s no real “ride or die” that’s meant for me. Maybe my journey is meant to have starts and stops and resets because I’m supposed to learn grace and patience and perseverance along the way with fierce independence? And if that’s the case: yikes. That’s hella scary to me.

I love people. I love people fiercely. But maybe a fierce and hard love like that burns so brightly and then, ultimately burns out for a reason. Maybe I’ve given too much of what’s inherently me, away.

I don’t have the answers for me. I had hoped that I’d have my shit figured out by now. The only thing I really know for sure anymore is that I know absolutely nothing.

I know that there are no absolutes for me and there haven’t yet been any black and white situations where I’ve known what’s what. There’s all kinds of shades of grey.

And maybe that too, is a lesson that this life is teaching me. That I’m not ready for the test or the final exam so to speak. I’m still learning and growing and studying and hoping that I’ll ace it when my time comes.

Let’s cross our fingers and hope.

Much love.

Always.

xoxo

self-compassion

Lessons from the Mom-ing

With Mother’s Day quickly approaching, it feels right to share some lessons I’ve learned on my 17-year journey of the Mom-ing.

– My job is to be a soft place for my kids to land. The world is hard and heavy enough and I should be absolute & unconditional for them. That’s not to say that I always agree with them. But I always love them. And I will always love them through the hard parts. Always.

– I learn from them every single day. Whether it’s a new way to view the world at large or strange teen-lingo talk that they use regularly. I’ve learned that sometimes I’m “extra” or “basic” and my daughter loves to tell me “Mom, you do too much” when I’m being the “extra” or the “basic”. They both teach me to laugh at myself.

– They teach me what matters and what my priorities should be. Sometimes, as a Mom, I need to be reminded. Life is fast and hectic. Slowing down to yell and/or cheer at a baseball game or a volleyball game that they are playing brings me back to center. I will always be their biggest fan.

– I didn’t know my heart could love THIS MUCH and continue to grow every single day along with them. Whoever said that thing about “being a Mom is like learning to live with your heart walking around outside your body” sure got it right. My heart is now a 17 year old junior in high school taking his SAT prep courses and an 8th grader getting ready for her Spring Formal this weekend.

-There’s nothing about them that I’d ever change. I accept them for who they are and love them with all of me. Honestly, that’s not only my job but an honor and a privilege. I don’t know how the Universe chose to bless me with them, but I am ever grateful.

Here’s one of my most favorite pics of my little hearts (who were already taller than me several years ago) and I on my wedding day.

Darian & Delaney, your Momma loves you.

xoxo

Always.

self-compassion

Writing to My (Younger) Self

This is me 40-ish years ago.

I love this picture. My aunt recently moved and my cousin found it and sent it to me and I’ve been so thoughtful since seeing this photograph of this sweet little girl.

That smile and that light in her eyes are pure magic to me and remind me that I came into this world unbroken and full of hope and happiness and the possibilities were absolutely endless.

I wish I could hug her. I wish I could tell her that it will be hard as hell and she will often want to give up. I would tell her that she is resilient beyond measure and she will make ginormous mistakes but she will always get back up.

She will bend but not break.

She will love with every ounce of her being and she will cry until she feels like all of her breath has left her.

She will recover and move forward and climb mountains and learn to love after losses.

Again and again.

So many times she will feel that her world has shattered and just as many times she will feel like the whole universe is hers to learn and love all over again.

The highs can be unimaginably high and the lows just as devastating and still, she will continue.

It’s been a wild and crazy ride and as I’m about to celebrate my 42nd birthday, I can’t say I’d change a thing. Every moment has lead me to another lesson or a new victory and has made me the woman I am proud to be today: perfectly imperfect—- but still full of light, love, hope and magic.

Always. xoxo

self-compassion

There‚Äôs Always a Bright Side

There really is.

Sometimes we just have to look a little bit (or sometimes a lot) harder. Just like the sunshine never lasting for days on end, those rain showers too, really do pass. The hard part is waiting for those clouds to part.

Patience; and I’ll be the first to say it (again), is not my strength. I struggle through the wait. I worry about the what if’s. My anxiety is sometimes off the flippin charts but a new day still comes, regardless of what I’m ready for.

In follow up to my last post, I still have power and my necessary bills are all caught up thanks to the help and love from close friends and family. And I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for the support and the love and the encouragement. I’m thankful for the few and the faithful who love me through the hard times and I’m hopeful that when others need the sunshine, that I will share my light just as freely as the people who helped me have. I try to be ever mindful of my blessings and I count them all on my days when I’m feeling less than.

But there’s always a bright side. You just have to look for it.

Much love.

Always. xoxo

self-compassion

The Aftermath of Wrecked Life Plans

The messy parts have started.

The part where after having lost my job for 8 weeks after having a serious medical crisis without health insurance starts to show up in everyday life. The bills that have gotten behind and can’t get caught up because once you’re behind, you’re always just barely treading water.

And I’m officially taking on water and there’s holes all about my life boat.

I’m grateful for being well enough to be able to work again, even part time. It makes me feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. But the reality of the present is that my power is about to be turned off if I don’t figure out a way to pay it. My car was repo’d. I’ve been making the hard choices between medications and utility bills or rent and groceries and gas for a borrowed vehicle to be able to get to and from work.

At 41, I never imagined that this would be my life and that I’d be awake at night worrying about the most basic expenses in order to merely survive. And anyone that knew me prior to what I lovingly refer to as “the shit show” could vouch for my love of shopping, dining out and traveling and being otherwise care free. I really didn’t believe that phrase that “we’re all just 3 paychecks away from homelessness” but it’s so true and it’s so scary.

My advice to you, who are healthy and happy and not facing multiple losses in your life, is to make sure you have a plan. Make sure you have savings. Make sure your health insurance and accident and life insurances are in order. We really don’t know what tomorrow can throw at us and you’d better be ready to catch whatever comes your way.

Don’t find yourself in a position where you’re treading water and your life boat is full of holes. It’s exhausting. It’s embarrassing. And I wouldn’t wish this level of worry on anyone.

Much love, friends.

Always. xoxo