This past weekend was hella tough. For a variety of reasons. But the most strikingly painful part was realizing that I exist in a world where the people who were my unconditional people are no longer here.
In looking for ways to love myself through it, I found a fabulous book called Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig.
In my own anxiety and depression, I sometimes have felt that I’m alone and isolated and that no one understands where I am emotionally and that seems to make that proverbial “black hole” of sadness and loss of hope grow.
Writing has been therapeutic for me and reading about other people’s journeys is also hugely helpful. While everyone’s journey and circumstances vary wildly, we all have the human condition of suffering. But, we also can learn and grow and heal and help each other learn new ways to give oxygen to whatever it is that ails us so that we can recover together.
I hope you know you aren’t alone.
I hope you know you matter.
I hope you know you’re loved and I hope you remember to love yourself when things get hard.
And in the moments that you need reminders and you need support to realize and understand that you really aren’t all alone in the world, find someone that you can relate to — either in person, over the phone, virtually or even like I sometimes do: with a wonderful book.
In no particular order:
– Waiting for an apology that is never gonna come is exhausting. You may as well let that that shit go and keep it moving.
– Silence is an answer. Accept it as such.
– You are the only person that you will spend the rest of your life with 24/7 so you had better make sure that you love you. I’m so serious.
– Don’t be too big/proud/too much of an asshole to admit your own faults. Be humble. Have grace. Apologize when you should.
– You don’t have to be the kind of person that hurt you. You’re better than that.
– If it seems too good to be true, it is. On some very basic level, you already know this but for some reason we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
– No matter who gives up on you, don’t give up on yourself.
– Remember who you were before the world tried to break you. Get back up and try again. Maybe take a nap first.
– Keep going. Keep trying. Keep smiling. Keep shining.
I hope you have some.
I can literally name 3 true hearts and humans that I still have in my life and world and I’m grateful for them.
I used to believe that I had more.
But when the shit goes down in the big and ugliest of ways, you find out fast and in a hurry who will be left in the end, and for me, I have 3.
One of the hard lessons was realizing that those people who I believed were my “ride or die” tribe members were more than ready to bail and exit stage left when things became unpredictable and less than socially acceptable.
I quickly learned new ways the heart can break.
But more importantly, I’ve learned and grown and changed in so many ways and become a better support for myself and my own heart.
I’ve learned to love me. Flaws and all.
I don’t struggle to be “seen” or approved of.
I just am.
I’m comfortable in my own skin and don’t feel like I have anything to prove to anyone other than the person who I’m living the rest of my life with — the person I see in the mirror for my forever. She is me.
I’ve have also found that there can be pockets of normal even in the middle of awful. Pockets of amazing in between the chaos. Pockets of hope in between the loneliness.
And, to my 3 true ride or die humans: you know who you are and I love you.
And that’s enough.